I Could Live Without You (But I Don't Wanna)
by x-donttrust
Summary: I own nothing. First time I try to publish a story here. Hope it works. Based off "My Dilemma", from Selena's third record "When The Sun Goes Down." Selena's not happy with her life, until Demi comes back from treatment and makes her reflect on everything. Enjoy.


She gets so upset sometimes.

She feels powerless, even though sometimes she thinks she has too much power in her hands. It's weird. They say she's in charge, but is she, really? Everything is being done and decided for her, and they don't even ask her about it anymore. "You gotta go to rehearsal, you _need _to help pick out colors and patterns for the winter clothing collection, you have a meeting with the public relations team after breakfast..."

It's all about her record, her tour, her clothing line, her next movie. Her new fragrance. Her _famous _boyfriend.

The _real _Selena Gomez is losing her mind already.

The Selena that everyone else wants to see – the product of their minds, well... she just smiles and nods, gracefully. She plays it well; she's an actress after all.

But underneath that façade, there's yet another frustration.

* * *

Francia and Leven somehow manage to drag Selena one evening for an _awesome girl's night out _that she could actually use. Tiffany will be there too; she's always hysterical and makes it a lot more fun.

And _Demi _will be there.

It's not like they haven't been talking lately. All issues aside – trying to avoid each other as much as possible, only to ignore their obvious feelings; both getting really hurt in the process – Selena still loved her, to pieces. It wrecked her for two days straight when she heard about Demi's treatment stint. And even though she's called her on the first day – _"Oh my gosh, what are you trying to do to yourself? Are you okay? Are they treating you okay?" _– and also called every week after that, she still cried every time they hang up. Because no matter how loud they laughed on the phone, no matter how normal things seem now… something is still _off_. She knows Demi feels the same way. Selena doesn't want to think about it. She just _can't._

So, she just pushes her feelings aside and puts on a big smile. Not that it's hard, you know, smiling when Demi's around, looking so at ease, healthy and happy and wearing 'em hats again, _so cute_. It's _always _easy when she's around. And that's exactly the big problem.

It's only after dinner that Demi's face eating smile falters. She offers to give Selena a ride home, so that they can spend some time alone. Everyone else feels the underlying tension between them when they all hug goodbye.

The car ride is spent in complete silence; Demi tentatively covering Selena's hand with hers at one red light, flinching when Selena pulls it away. She pulls over on Selena's driveway, looking into her eyes. Selena seems _lost_. She breaks the silence.

"I've missed you," Demi mumbles.

Selena looks at her, frowning. It's one thing to see Demi broken, but seeing Demi like _this _– completely unsure and upset, because of her is almost worse. So, she does what feels right, and kisses Demi on the cheek, soft and lingering. When she pulls away, Demi's eyes are closed, as if she's trying to etch that little moment in her mind. Selena palms her cheek, caressing that little mark just above Demi's chin with her thumb.

"I've missed you too, Dem. _So much_." Even saying that causes Selena's heart to hurt. _Damn_.

Demi opens her eyes slowly and turns her face a little, to kiss her palm, her hand in hers now. Their locking gazes are now a complete mix of different emotions; anger, pain, sadness, hurt. A bit of joy. _Love._

"Happiness is a choice, Selena."

Silence. Selena closes her eyes, while Demi continues.

"We are in charge of our own lives, I've learned. We can change our destiny. We just have to work for it. We just have to want it," Demi finishes, thoughtfully. Now it's Selena's turn to flinch.

"Dem, I know where you're going with this," she sighs, her thumb now rubbing Demi's cheekbone softly. "_We can't…_"

"Who's talking about 'we'?" the younger girl cuts her off. "I'm not talking about 'us', Sel. I'm talking about you."

"Now this conversation will never go _anywhere_," Selena groans, frustrated; pulling her hand away from Demi's face, but still letting her hold onto it.

"Hear me out, look," Demi squeezes her hand, reassuringly; "_you_ can make _big_ decisions for yourself. Your career. Your life. _You_. You're a woman now, hun."

Selena looks down, trying to avoid eye contact. Demi lifts her chin, slowly.

"You might feel like a kid, but you're not one anymore. _We _are not kids anymore," Demi finishes, her tone sounding really serious now. Selena smiles sadly, she can tell. Seeing that the conversation is actually going _nowhere _now, she changes the subject.

"Tonight was a lot of fun," she manages to let out a small chuckle.

Selena giggles, a bit happier this time, "yeah, it was. I gotta go though, Dem. I have an early start tomorrow," she says, letting go of Demi's hand. Demi frowns.

"Well, bye then. Call me sometime?" Demi asks, almost sheepishly. Selena _loves_it when she does that. She runs a hand through Demi's hair and stops it on her shoulder, squeezing it.

"Of course I will," she smiles, lovingly. When Demi smiles back, she leans over to kiss her forehead, and opens the passenger door. When she's about to close it, she hears the three words she's not sure if she's actually _ready _to hear.

"I love you."

Just like that. She turns around, closing the door; blowing a kiss to a giddy Demi, who starts the car and leaves. Selena doesn't know how she makes it to her house without tripping on her own trembling legs.

* * *

_It's such a fucking dilemma_, she thinks when she closes the door to her house; leaning her back into it and sighing heavily. She doesn't even notice the tears falling down her porcelain-doll-featured face until she has to wipe them roughly with her hands, before her mom sees it.

She_ knows_ what Demi meant. That she's overworking, half of the time doing things she actually doesn't even want to. That a lot of things are holding back her dream of being a _respected_ actress, not just America's sweetheart _slash_ tween idol _slash _Justin Bieber's girlfriend.

And that _maybe_, oh screw that, Demi _totally_ wants them to be together, this time around. No more hiding. Even if she wouldn't admit that the conversation was _a little _about them.

And she finally realizes that, _oh shit_, there's a half of her – the half that doesn't care about what fans, managers, the entire world thinks – that wants to be with Demi. _Badly_.

* * *

The other half – the one that _wants, needs, aches _to forget – tries to spend as much time as possible with the popular boy.

Because he's actually fun. His snarky sense of humor and his cocky attitude make her laugh a lot. He takes her to places – movies, breakfast at iHop, Disneyland, wherever she wants. They can hold hands and kiss and hold each other in public without attracting weird _stares_ – aside from the actual stares because they're not _just another teenage couple_.

And he looks at her like she's the last woman in this planet. It's kind of flattering.

Except that she doesn't _feel_ it. Behind his brown eyes, she can _see_his real intentions.

But whatever. She pushes the other thoughts to the back of her mind, and tries to convince herself that _yes, she does love him_. For the sake of her career, for the sake of her fans. Not for the sake of her mind or her happiness.

* * *

She's wrapped Wizards a few weeks ago; Demi was there. Like she said at the time, "I was there for the first taping; I'm here now for the last." They hugged for, like, ten minutes when the whole thing was over, while Selena sobbed on her shoulder. Demi tried to comfort her, rubbing her back, whispering to her that she should get back there to cry with the cast; but Selena doesn't let go of her shirt.

It's exactly what Demi said before. _She's a woman now_. It's scary. So, she held onto that little – big, actually – part of her childhood like her life depended on it, for that brief moment. And when she pulled away from Demi's arms, she gave her a teary gaze, only to walk away to where the cast was. Almost like _running away _from her.

Demi just smiled knowingly. She was not ready _yet._ But she would be eventually; _she hoped _at least.

* * *

It's exhausting. Ever since _that_ conversation, Selena can't keep Demi out of her head. Come to think of it, she's never really kept Demi out of her head, it's just _impossible_. Everywhere she goes, everyone she sees remind her of Demi. If Justin shows her some stupid Youtube video that he thinks it's awesome, she automatically thinks of sending it to her. It's not funny when Justin shows her, but maybe it would be funny if_ Demi _did.

Yet, here she is with Justin, in beautiful Hawaii. She tries to relax, and smell the sea, and just listens to the sound of the waves crashing; the warm water caressing her feet while she leans her head back and just breathes, thinking about life in general. Thinking of how much she wants _a certain someone _with her right now. Until Justin comes running behind her and tackles her onto the water. She really wants to be pissed at him, but then he grabs her by the waist and lifts her off the ground; letting her wrap her legs around him. Then, she sees a flash of a camera go off nearby.

_Time to put on a show_, then.

Later, when she's safe from any flashes at her hotel room, Selena plops down on the couch, bikini still on and puts on a movie. Of course, Justin finds his way to the couch beside her, and tries to be as close to her as humanly impossible. Selena is _secretly_ praying to God that he doesn't try anything, while her eyes are fixed on the television, but it's too late now. When his hand runs high on her thigh, she tries not to think of how much she wanted _someone else_to be doing it to her, and slaps his hand, swatting it away.

But the boy doesn't give up easily. Smoothly, he tries to get his way; rubbing her shoulders, nuzzling her neck, kissing her, just _caressing_her and making her feel things she thought she couldn't feel.

She just gives into him. _Obviously_, her mind is not here. She closes her eyes, and tries to pretend that she's in Puerto Rico, _three years ago_. Sun, sea. This is what should've happened if they had been ready, then. With _her_. She keeps her eyes shut, all the while _definitely_ not thinking about the boy on top of her. It takes everything within her to keep from moaning _that name _when she comes.

She feels like such a piece of shit afterwards. Using people, that is so unlike her. The only person in her mind would probably hate her right now.

She leaves the spent boy sleeping on the couch and goes to the bathroom to take the longest shower _ever_. She needs to feel _clean _again. The cold feel of the water doesn't stop her from feeling the hot trail of tears streaming down her beautiful face.

_Such a dilemma_.

* * *

Demi sees those pictures on the internet when they come out, and probably figures out the whole situation when she receives an _I really need you_text from Selena, on that same day.

She feels hurt. But she _knows_, deep within her, that _they _will happen. She just has to wait.

In the meantime, she drowns herself with her music, her work. She gives all of her heart to her art, just like she gives her heart to _everything _she's passionate about.

* * *

When she gets back, Selena finds a small break in her schedule to ditch anything Bieber-related and spend an afternoon at Demi's new place. It's nerve-wrecking. She knows what she wants. Who she wants. But is she _prepared _for that?

She just wants to be sure.

But, somehow, their conversation about Demi's issues end up in a weird sort of argument. Selena wants to know things that Demi won't tell her. Rumors. Demi keeps telling her that the drugs, the sex video, the whole partying thing were just blown out of proportion; that they are not true, _for God's sake, you have to believe me. Not. True._

She only believes it when Demi looks at her, teary-eyed, shaking in _anger_. God, she wished she wouldn't have to _ever_witness this again. She feels like such a jerk for doubting Demi.

She hugs Demi, tightly. This time, it's her turn to comfort her, while Demi sobs painfully. She does her best to show as much affection as she's _allowed _to; by rubbing her lower back, kissing her hair. Demi's scent makes her heart beat faster, and it's definitely not helping, but she does her best to keep her composure.

Demi cups her cheeks when they pull apart, whispering a weak _thank you_to Selena, who does one of the – many – things she's wanted to do since Demi came back. Tenderly, Selena kisses her tattooed wrists, over and over; holding back her own tears of frustration. When she's done, she just gets up and leaves, without saying anything. She can't really speak right now, can she?

Demi just watches as she walks away; still holding onto that hope. _She will be ready. Soon._

When Selena gets home, she locks herself in her bedroom to cry all of her frustrations out with no one around. No mom, no manager, no agent, no _stupid-boyfriend-that-she-doesn't-even-love_. No one.

* * *

A few months later, Selena is getting ready for her first tour. Her first big headlining tour. She's nervous about it, _hell_, nervous is an understatement. She enjoys making music. She's just worried that people won't like her performance.

Of course, she'd rather be doing small gigs here and there with The Scene, not that whole big spectacle of dancers, and dresses, and ten wardrobe changes. But this is what her team got for her, so she just makes the best of it on rehearsals, and prepares herself for when the time comes.

The first gig turns out to be incredible. The audience is receptive, and she can feel the heat coming from them; those kids and their excited faces.

There's only one thing, though.

When she looks to the side of the stage; she recalls a scene from almost three years ago. A young Demi, kicking off her very first big show, saying thank you to an excited crown in Toronto; _running into her arms_. It's probably what she wanted to see right now.

Instead, Justin is there. Arms crossed, smug look on his face. He's coming to hug her, and oh no, she thinks when he wraps his arms around her. She hugs him back, because the audience is right there. What astonishes her, is the lack of consideration he demonstrates when he takes the microphone out of her hand when they part ways, and whispers _"my turn now, babe"_on her ear, winking cockily at her.

As the crowd roars for a surprise performance of their biggest teen idol; she runs backstage. She's all out of tears by now, she just wants to slam a door and punch it.

* * *

She gets it now. _The growing up thing_.

She can't keep hiding in a deep hole forever, waiting for people's opinions. Waiting to hear from _everyon e_what do they think she needs to do.

Because she's Selena Marie Gomez. She is worth it. She can stand up and fight for what she wants. Whatever _it _is. She's seen Demi do that, reemerge wonderfully from her dark past, overcome her inner demons and just _shine _for the entire world to see.

She's heard Skyscraper more times than she can remember. She called Demi, in joy, when the single hit #1 on iTunes. Demi sounded happier than she's ever heard.

And a happy Demi is what she wants. _Who _she wants.

That afternoon, she stops by Justin's place to have a talk. _The talk_.

* * *

Demi is absolutely pleased, to say the least, with the results of her earlier recordings on the Hit Factory, in Miami. Working with different people, trying out different styles, having freedom with her music. It's everything she's always wanted.

Well, _almost everything_.

She thinks of Selena, every day. Of their happier days, of their old memories. The new ones are great to think about too; she still wants to explode in joy whenever she thinks of _that _phone call on her first day of rehab. She wasn't expecting Selena to talk to her, after everything. It's a sweet memory.

She just wishes they could make a lot more sweet memories.

Anyway, it's almost 6 AM, she's just spent another night working on her music. She could really use her bed right now. But she gasps when she opens the door to her hotel room.

The person who holds her heart is sitting in her bed, right there, waiting for her. _Almost like an angel, or something._

"Selena, what…"

"I had to. Eddie gave me the keys. I'm just…" Selena trails off, almost hypnotized by Demi's sight, all with her long gorgeous brown hair, and the cute black fedora.

Demi just stares at her, silent. She can't believe this is actually happening.

"I'm _so_sorry, Dem. I understand it now." It's like Selena is almost begging. Demi doesn't care; she just wants to go over to that bed and…

"Understand what?" Demi asks, walking closer to the bed.

"_Everything_."

It's like they decide to do the same thing at the same time, because they clash into a hug, Demi almost pouncing on her, smiling like crazy, and crying tears of joy at the same time. They don't really need to say anything else. It's all right. Everything is right, Demi feels it.

They stare into each other's eyes for a bit, until Selena decides to, _oh damn_, kiss Demi senseless, right there; their hair sticking onto their tear stained faces, Selena's hand caressing Demi's cheeks, while Demi's hand wander under her cotton top. It's rushed, and rough, yet sweet at the same time. They were so_ desperate _for that moment. They will make the most out of it later; Selena will make sure of that.

"What changed your mind, though? And where's the Biebz?" Demi asks, giggling when they pull apart.

"He's a self-centered dick who turns _everything_ to be about him. Do you _really_ think I wanted that for myself?" Selena answers, bursting in laughter. Demi laughs, too, burying her face on Selena's neck, breathing in that_ clean _scent.

"Plus, you're too sweet for me to let you go, Dem. I just want to be happy. You are _beautiful_. _You_make me happy."

Smiling widely at each other, they kiss again, no interruptions this time.

* * *

That night, when Selena finishes the encore for that_ incredible_ audience, she actually feels thankful and blissful. And when she looks to the side of the stage, she sees _who_ she wants to see. She hugs who she wants to hug. Backstage, she gets affection from who she wants to get affection from. And later, on the hotel, she shares some _sweet_ moments with _the one_she wants to share them with.

_Her dilemma_. The one she could live without. But she doesn't want to. _Ever_.


End file.
